It’s funny how life brings us down at a very fast pace. A Sine wave is how I used to define my life always. Full of ups and downs, coming at gradual intervals. But somehow, sitting somewhere today and thinking about it, I don’t find it like that anymore. Somehow life has made me fear the happiness. Whenever that feeling of happiness pops in, I know that the sad time is just around the corner and I don’t enjoy the happy moments just because I am fearfully waiting for the sad ones as they can arrive anytime.

It’s like I am a fawn in the middle of jungle staring at the big, pale moon shining bright, hypnotising me, among the stars, twinkling like the Christmas lights. Their reflection is lighting the lake’s clear water, looking as if fireflies are floating at the top of the surface. In the lush green field I am standing, waiting to breathe all my worries away, but I am suffocating. My sight is blurred, so is my vision by the fear of something fictitious or sadly, maybe of something real. It’s like a lion is staring at me, and will jump upon me anytime. I can’t listen to the quiet around because the chaos inside me is pounding my soul and is shouting. I want to look up and deluge myself in the aura of the pale moonlight, but I am too busy looking around me for the imaginary lion which is just inside my head. Whenever I try to look up, I imagine the sound of a paw, pressing against the ground, cracking the fallen leaves. I am choked. I want to run away, but the scene has got me addicted, even though I haven’t had a good look at it. But I can’t enjoy it because I am already frozen by the chills.

It’s like I am Polish soldier who has just won the battle against the Germans. I have fought hard and have done everything right to be where I am. But as I am raising my flag and am standing on the top with my head held high and my pride on its epitome, I fear that a bullet has already been shot and is piercing the air, travelling at the speed of light and will take me to my inevitable end any moment. I fear that there will be a bang any moment and all these bright smiles will disappear. I am not looking at the flag as I am raising it, I am looking around with my eyes submerged in terror. I have every right to relish the moment, as I have brought peace to everyone. But it’s me who is lacking it. This unrest is beyond words.

It’s been long, chained in this agitation. I have forgotten the taste of glee. Right now, I need a heavy dose of atmosphere to revitalise me again, and fill me with the alacrity, so that the next time I am eating a bright yellow jelly layered ice cream, except of worrying about it falling on the ground as it melts, I enjoy every lick and sip of its elixir and smile without even an inch of worry on my face. Or maybe when I am sitting on the edge of a bridge with my feet hanging in the air, except of worrying about my shoe falling, I enjoy the sway of the breeze, cuddling and tickling me like my lover and bringing me that feeling of ecstasy, contentment and inner peace. So that when I am in that moment, I don’t look around, rather I look up.


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